Knowing that I was going to be trapped overseas with my family, and lots of Portuguese strangers, I wanted to be prepared for the worst. I got my hands on a phrasebook & scoured it for useful phrases to memorize. I found one. I was 8.
"Eu nao fala Portugues"
I don't speak Portuguese.
This was my first phrase. And for far too long, it was my last.
When I tried it out at Portuguese festivals around Boston, for my Mom's friends, I got immediate rewards. People laughed.
"Of course you know Portuguese, you are speaking it right now!"
They would laugh, and continue to say something brilliant in Portuguese, which of course, I would miss. It would quickly dawn on people that it was merely a parlor trick. They would then admonish me, in Portuguese, and then of course, in English. Because, they were bilingual.
You should learn it while you are young!
But as a child comedian, I already had my one joke. I could quit while I was ahead.
At 8, it actually conveyed me perfectly, the jingoistic, lazy version of myself. Most of the people I'd meet were my Mom's peers, grownups who would kiss & hug me, like I was a doll (right at the age when you want it to stop) My silence afterwards was me wanting to convey a false sense of superiority & entitlement. I was the Stereotypical American.
I don't speak Portuguese, so don't bother with me. I know you are my Mom's friend-or about to become her friend- and that you are about to kiss me on both cheeks. Yes, I'm a cute kid. No, I don't feel bad I'm not learning Portuguese. It's the language of the people who didn't immigrate to America, the land of opportunity. It's the land of fishermen and grandmothers. It's not helpful at school to be different, it only impresses the teachers and I don't want to be a brown-noser. My Mom translates everything for me. The TV here is mostly in English, anyway, so what would I need it for? Isn't Hollywood the capital of the world?
And now, I still use this phrase as my knee-jerk reaction. Don't expect me to speak it well, even though I've been trying to speak it my whole life. I can't conjugate anything. I can't pronounce some words properly, not even as well as I could when I was a kid. It's been my crutch for far too long.
I'm working on it, though. This summer, I hope to reach semi-fluency.
"Eu nao fala Portugues"
I don't speak Portuguese.
This was my first phrase. And for far too long, it was my last.
When I tried it out at Portuguese festivals around Boston, for my Mom's friends, I got immediate rewards. People laughed.
"Of course you know Portuguese, you are speaking it right now!"
They would laugh, and continue to say something brilliant in Portuguese, which of course, I would miss. It would quickly dawn on people that it was merely a parlor trick. They would then admonish me, in Portuguese, and then of course, in English. Because, they were bilingual.
You should learn it while you are young!
But as a child comedian, I already had my one joke. I could quit while I was ahead.
At 8, it actually conveyed me perfectly, the jingoistic, lazy version of myself. Most of the people I'd meet were my Mom's peers, grownups who would kiss & hug me, like I was a doll (right at the age when you want it to stop) My silence afterwards was me wanting to convey a false sense of superiority & entitlement. I was the Stereotypical American.
I don't speak Portuguese, so don't bother with me. I know you are my Mom's friend-or about to become her friend- and that you are about to kiss me on both cheeks. Yes, I'm a cute kid. No, I don't feel bad I'm not learning Portuguese. It's the language of the people who didn't immigrate to America, the land of opportunity. It's the land of fishermen and grandmothers. It's not helpful at school to be different, it only impresses the teachers and I don't want to be a brown-noser. My Mom translates everything for me. The TV here is mostly in English, anyway, so what would I need it for? Isn't Hollywood the capital of the world?
And now, I still use this phrase as my knee-jerk reaction. Don't expect me to speak it well, even though I've been trying to speak it my whole life. I can't conjugate anything. I can't pronounce some words properly, not even as well as I could when I was a kid. It's been my crutch for far too long.
I'm working on it, though. This summer, I hope to reach semi-fluency.
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